I was listening to this advertisement by Dre and the line was "you love black culture but do you love me". I thought of how it relates to this column. How we can be loved for what we can do but not loved unto ourselves, our agency denied.
I didn’t know the gender of the offender until the end, checking my innate sexism for incorrect assumptions. And this writing brought to mind the people who break my heart by wanting to “catch up” and I hasten to arrange the meeting only to discover my free professional services or cash are what’s really wanted.
What do you say then? And how? I remember a situation with someone I had agreed to help with her tedx talk, and then the talk went in a new direction. Which is fine, I said. I just don’t agree with it. At all. That person actually got mad at me. I’m like do I owe you more free work? I never know what to say when someone doesn’t respect my agency. Do you?
I don’t feel a need to spell out the difference in our definition of “checking in” or “catching up” if I am surprised in the moment. I merely recategorize the relationship and act accordingly. If they want to talk to the coach, I put on my coach hat, etc. But I discreetly put away my personal friend hat and erect boundaries that need no neon signs announcing themselves.
I can feel the rawness in your writing Nilofer thank you for role modelling such vulnerability but also your process. Such a powerful example of your Onlyness as a decision making guide also.
So much swirling for me not least the importance for all of us to do the inner work and own our poor or misguided behaviour when it occurs. Thank you.
Paul was *very* patient with me as my own swirl got structured into this. He is a partner in making my writing into an advice column and then of course we so appreciate the conversation that can ensue.
Powerful as always. So loving, vulnerable, and real. And inspiring. What jumped out at me: "the central question of Onlyness isn’t how “you be you,” but how we find and form an us. So you find those who see you, and you become more yourself. So you find those with whom you can do great big things. So that new ideas can make that proverbial “dent” in the universe." Plus the points about reparation, and reconciliation. I yearn to take all of this forward. Thank you.
I was listening to this advertisement by Dre and the line was "you love black culture but do you love me". I thought of how it relates to this column. How we can be loved for what we can do but not loved unto ourselves, our agency denied.
https://www.beatsbydre.com/stories/2020/11/beats-film-celebrates-black-joy-and-resilience
I didn’t know the gender of the offender until the end, checking my innate sexism for incorrect assumptions. And this writing brought to mind the people who break my heart by wanting to “catch up” and I hasten to arrange the meeting only to discover my free professional services or cash are what’s really wanted.
What do you say then? And how? I remember a situation with someone I had agreed to help with her tedx talk, and then the talk went in a new direction. Which is fine, I said. I just don’t agree with it. At all. That person actually got mad at me. I’m like do I owe you more free work? I never know what to say when someone doesn’t respect my agency. Do you?
I don’t feel a need to spell out the difference in our definition of “checking in” or “catching up” if I am surprised in the moment. I merely recategorize the relationship and act accordingly. If they want to talk to the coach, I put on my coach hat, etc. But I discreetly put away my personal friend hat and erect boundaries that need no neon signs announcing themselves.
I can feel the rawness in your writing Nilofer thank you for role modelling such vulnerability but also your process. Such a powerful example of your Onlyness as a decision making guide also.
So much swirling for me not least the importance for all of us to do the inner work and own our poor or misguided behaviour when it occurs. Thank you.
Paul was *very* patient with me as my own swirl got structured into this. He is a partner in making my writing into an advice column and then of course we so appreciate the conversation that can ensue.
Powerful as always. So loving, vulnerable, and real. And inspiring. What jumped out at me: "the central question of Onlyness isn’t how “you be you,” but how we find and form an us. So you find those who see you, and you become more yourself. So you find those with whom you can do great big things. So that new ideas can make that proverbial “dent” in the universe." Plus the points about reparation, and reconciliation. I yearn to take all of this forward. Thank you.